Little by little

I really love receiving comments from you all<3 It feels so good to be able to share these emotions and you guys understand and accept me. Thanks :)

I'm going to keep this post positive. I haven't had a bad binge in a few days, which is a big step for me now since lately i've been out of control. BUT now i've been taking little steps. My 'binges' are getting smaller everyday. I probably wont be able to get as skinny as I used to be a few months ago by the time I get to my boyfriends house but I'll be staying there for a month and that should REALLY stop me from binging cause I can't look like a pig in front of his family ^_^ I'm trying not to care so much about what he'll think of my weight gain, because i've strictly told him how serious I was that I have gained weight from the last time he's seen me(4 months ago). So i've decided to take little steps to loosing weight and soon enough I hope I'll be able to fast again without having it end with a binge :)

Think thin<3

Skinny girls look good in anything;

These thought; Is it just me?

When I did the Cabbage Soup Diet

Sometimes I'll read online about eating disorders since i've never really been diagnosed. And as I read about it, it makes me want to diet even more. It gives me a sense of motivation. I thought that this was because I want an excuse. I want some excuse to why I binge and purge frequently. Why I can't control myself. So reading about ED makes me want to purge even more. Not because I WANT to have an eating disorder, but because I want a reason to why I'm like this. To why food and weight loss have taken over my life. So i'm scared that If I don't have the symptoms, I'd just be a fat girl who can't control what she's eating and doesn't deserve to be here.


I used to be in control. I don't know whats happened...

What helps me - Tip

Lately I've been really get off track and couldn't control what I was eating and yesterday I looked in the mirror while I was changing and reality slapped me in the face. I've got to stop what i'm doing or i'll continue to gain weight.
SO, what I find that helps me is to plan out your meal beforehand.
I use this app called 'Fitness Pal' which is an app that helps you to keep track of your calorie intake and also how much you have burned. I'm sure any calorie counting app will work fine or you can write it down.
I've used this app in the past and it really helped me to prevent from binging and keep my intake to at most 600 per day. I think that having an idea of how much you will intake beforehand gives you some realization that you wouldn't want to add more calories to that number by binging!

Snacking:
Recently I've been getting into the sugar free jello mix. It's only 80 calories per packet! Which makes a days worth of snacking for me : ) I find it helpful to separate it into atleast 5 containers depending on the size to prevent from eating it all at once.
The same brand also has a pudding mix if you like that better and I think it was about 100 calories per packet, but once again, it makes about a days worth of snacking for me.

I find those better to snack on rather than grabbing a piece of cookie which usually becomes a dozen of cookies for me -.-

So thats what i'll be snacking on for the next week since i'm really bad at restricting from sweets.  In Japan, there are so many 0 calorie jelly out there so if I run out of the power mix, I could always run to the convenient store and there will always be 0 calorie jelly.

Wish me luck, and I hope you all a good day<3

This is brilliaaaant!

I'm always bored and it triggers me to binge, so i've tried a few things before to try to keep me occupied.

For example:

• Crochet
• Watching Law & Order
• Staying in bed
• Go for walks

None of them really lasted... ugh

BUT, wait just once second.

Today I was looking through thinspo pictures and imagining myself with there bodies and my mind just clicked. *bink

Why don't I edit my face into their bodies! bahahah so I've been doing that for the past 4 hours! And I thought I'd show you guys one of my favorites hehe I cannot stop giggling. I think I did a pretty good job. ;)

Day 1 of No solids

Honestly I was a bit scared because I had a smoothie, soup, yogurt(nonfat), more soup, and a cup of cafe mocha. Its soooo much when I list it down but I feel really good right now. Definitely don't have the bloated feeling I get from when I binge. My mom bought chips, cookies, and nutter butters. As usual it gets tempting to eat but instead I grabbed the nonfat yogurt. I feel so good that I stopped myself from a binge! I just love this yogurt because the whole 450grams of it is only 180 calories!! So I could eat 3 for every meal and still have eaten under 600cals x) but too much yogurt isnt good but still i'm just overwhelmed by the calories for that much amount<3

So to sum up my day, I'd say it went pretty good and i'm feeling pretty good : )
I also just watched some victoria secret videos on youtube and i can feel the motivation in my blood hehe

I wish

I wish I could live alone while Im trying to loose weight... My family isn't really the healthy type so there's always snack foods. But I the same time I hate blaming my family when its my fault I can't eat right.
I hate how its so hard to choose vegetables over snacks. It makes me so frustrated and I try to purge but I probably can't even get 1/8 out without feeling sick.
It kills me. The thought that it's all my fault. I can't blame the food or the people who produce it. I can't blame my family who are mentally healthy when it comes to eating. I can't blame my body for not having a proper digestive system. Because in the end, it's all because of me. Because I can't put down the bag of chips, because I can't control myself, because I don't exercise, because i'm fucking lazy and can't stay away from food. I'm so tired of myself.
uuuuuuugh its so frustrating, my body itches from within.

I guess I'll hit up the gym and stay in the sauna forever... hahhah jk about the sauna part :)
Hope everyone else isn't feeling as poopoo as i am.

More like an 'About me'

So these three wonderful people have nominated me, you guys should check their blogs out :)

• Little Jo's Pro Ana Life by That Girl
• Perfect Body, Perfect Soul by Rachel
• Secrets by Allison
• Bulimia Girl by Emily Anonymous

There are rules to where you

1. Thank the people who have nominated you
2. Include 11 things about myself
3. Answer the 11 questions the nominator has provided you
4. Choose 11 to nominate
5. Create 11 questions for them
6. Let them know you have nominated them

But I've just decided to do the first 3 since it seems really fun and I haven't really told much about myself!

11 things about me

1. I am half Japanese and half American
2. I have lived in Japan for most of my 18 years of life
3. I have not seen snow yet, yet :)
4. I have a boyfriend
5. We've been doing long distance for a year and half
6. I love love love fashion
7. I love jaaaazz, it makes me feel cozy whenever im feelin blue for the blues hehe
8. I was in choir throughout highschool(I've got chos)
9. Giraffes are my favorite animal
10. I like reading but I dont have the money to buy books *sigh
11. I love my family even if they hardly notice me, only physically they do

The question from That Girl

1. What is your favorite thing about yourself?
   I would say how I understand others. If they want me to keep something a secret, I will. I don't go around telling others 'So-and-so told me not to tell but don't tell anyone okay?'
2. If you could remove all calories from one food, what would it be?
   Hands down cereal. I always binge on cereal.
3. Share your three ultimate thinspo things. (Legs, ribs?)
   Thigh gap, arms, and hip bones.
4. Share your three best weight loss tips.
   Drink tons of water. Don't eat atleast 3 hours before sleeping. Learn to enjoy the hunger pains(not really pains but you know what im talking abooout)
5. What is your favorite workout?
   On youtube: Amanda Russell's Hot Body Workout : I get sore every time.
6. When is the last time you looked in the mirror and felt good?
   Last years summer when I weight 95 pounds
7. Do you have any animals?
   A dog, a kitten, a turtle, and a stray cat that comes to the balcony to grab some food :)
8. What is your favorite country?
   In my imaginations, Europe is my favorite country!
9. How often do yo post? Do you think its too often or not enough?
   When I started I posted ALOT but little each entry, but I keep it to once per day. I feel its not enough though. So much on my mind.
10. What is your favorite sport?
    Volleybaaaall! I dont play it but I love watching it with my mom.
11. If you would have one wish in the world come true, what would it be?
    Cliche but for everyone to just get along. No religions, no racism, no sexualities, no economy, just humans.

The questions from Rachel

1. What music do you like and why?
   Like I said, Jazz. It's relaxing and so much versatility. 
2. Do you sing or play an instrument?
   I love to sing. (Doesn't mean I'm any good though! heh)
3. Can you pinpoint when you eating disorder start?
   Yes, exactly. A week before summer break was ending. My 3 bestfriends moved, my boyfriend moved. I do have many friends but, you know, it's just not the same. So I stayed inside all the time and I guess before school started I wanted to be one of the skinniest, I didnt want anyone who looked skinnier than me to weigh less than me. haha I wasn't the skinniest, but I was skinnier than I have ever been in highschool! It felt greaaat.
4. What's your favorite season?
   Winter. Sweater Weather, let cuddle Together~
5. If one food of your choice could have no calories, what would food you choose?
   Answered above^^^
6. Describe your hair.
   It's like a blob hanging from my head. It used to be the longest when I was in school, but I cut it and it's boring now.
7. Diet coke or diet pepsi?
   Water ^_^
8. 3 favorite books.
   Lost in the Forest by Sue Miller, The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, and I dont feel any others i've read impacted me enough.
9. Who are some of your celebrity thinspirations?
   Ariana Grande(not super skinny but skinnier than me and by boyfriend like her!), and not a celebrity but Park Sora. Really, you guys should check her out.
10. What's your bedroom like?
    I don't have my own room. *tears haha it sucks
11. What is your dream career? Do you think you'll end up doing it?
    I've always secretly wanted to be a model, but I don't think it's for me!

The questions from Allison

1. Why did you start blogging, and what are you trying to achieve from it?
   I started blogging to have a place to let my emotions out and find others who are just like me and are willing to understand me since I don't have anyone outside the internet to tell anything and trust. I'm hoping that this blog will help me with loosing weight.
2. What's your favorite music, Tv show,  color, food, and why?
   Music: answered already! TV show: Law and Order SVU because it shows whats really out there and all the different people there are. Color: None! Food: I don't even want to think about it.
3. What does a typical day in your life look like?
   Sleep, think, eat, regret, contemplate, sleep. Simple, until I start working.
4. What's your biggest dreams?
   To live and not just exist.
5. What scares you the most?
   The future.
6. Do you want to loose weight? And whats your goal? Do you think you'd be happy there?
   Hell yes haha My goal is under 95. If I have a thigh gap and my arms look fine, i'd be a happy camper.
7. What do you fear by loosing weight?
   Honestly, loosing my butt. I like having a butt!
8. What do you think has made you wanting to loose weight?
   Tumblr, all the thin girls on there that everyone likes. And wanting to be skinnier than my friends. But now, I just want it so bad for some reason and I don't know what that reason is.
9. Can you describe yourself, and what do you like about your appearance?
   I'm really bad at describing myself, but I guess i'm pretty average at everything haha Just obsessed with loosing weight! I like my wrists. While everything else is fat, my wrists seem to stay thin.
10. How do you act among others?
    I be as nice as I can!
11. What do you do in your spare time?
    Ahh nothing. I need a hobby.

The questions from Emily Anonymous

1. What is your proudest moment?
   When I completed the Vegetable Soup Diet!
2. Who do you trust the most in this world?
   This blog and everyone who reads it :) heheh
3. Favorite movie?
   Ahh, I'm a sucker for animation movies. Ratatouille and Wreck-it Ralph even though it just came out in theaters ^_^
4. Worst movie you've ever seen?
   HAHA hm, probably the movie version of The Great Gatsby(1974). I've probably seen worse, but for some reason that came in mind.
5. Name something your ED took away from you or prevented you from doing.
   Probably the motivation to hang out. I just want to always cuddle up in the dark to avoid contact with food.
6. What's the most romantic thing you ever done for someone?
   Travel overseas to see them? Is thats being romantic? x)
7. Favorite memory of your father or mother?
   Traveling with my mom : ) Thanks to my dad!
8. What's your favorite animal?
   Giraffe GIRAFFE giraffe : )
9. Which famous person would you most like to meet in your life?
   Ah thats a hard ooone. I can't think of anyone so I guess it I don't care much ^_^
10. What's the happiest you ever felt?
    In a non-weight way, I'd say when I got to see my boyfriend again after awhile of long distance!
11. If you saw someone purging, what's the first thought that would go through your mind?
    I'd probably cry aha cause I know what they're going through and it makes me sad imagining it.

So there you have it! Feel free to ask me more questiooons there's anymore you want to know.

Just let it be.

Yes, she is pretty. I don't have anything against people who don't mind being overweight or anything that isn't in my definition of skinny or fit! What I really dislike seeing is people dissing 'underweight' girls or girls who are just naturally thin. I mean really? 'Stick thin girl'? Just because others like being thin or being healthy, doesn't mean you have to go around calling them names which seems to intend on offending them. I don't see why people get so bitter about thin girls. From experience, it's not so easy becoming thin! Why can't they get some credit for actually working to be thin?

If someone wants to be skinny, let them be.
If someone wants to be big, let them be.
If someone wants to be fit, let them be.
If someone wants to be masculine, let them be.

Just fucking let them be what they want.

(By the way, as pretty as she is, I don't call that curvy but that's another story.)



So other than that ^^ My day was content. I fasted for 2 days and ended it today since I ended up eating something, but I dont feel as bloated as I usually do so I'm just going to stay positive! I remember seeing on tv that thinking positive while dieting or losing weight is good. Don't loose track though! Some thinspo for today:

Okay-ish Day

I've had nothing to eat today. I feel bad though because my mom bought some fruits for me, but I just can't eat it. I'm doing a fast with an ana buddy so I can't betray her! : )
I'm always so anxious when im fasting! The first day I always still feel soooo fat and I just want it to be the 4th day or something so I can see some progress. Also I have this ring I always wear that I got from my birthday and I always keep it on to make sure It'll come off = I havent gotten fat. This morning I woke up and I couldn't get it off. UGH probably because my recent binges. Right now I can get it off but its more difficult than it usually is.
Hopefully I stick to this fast for once! Good luck to me and anyone else who's fasting or dieting and don't loose track! ^_^

Here's some thinspiration for today.

I can't believe this

I was so ready and determined to fast after my binge session I had today, but then I did it again!!
I'm so tired of this cycle!
I keep thinking 'Oh, I already ate today so why not.' but thats not what I really want. I keep letting food take over me. Then I feel so worthless... I can't even control what I eeeeaat. Why is it so easy to eat, but so hard to restrict from it, it makes me so irritated but in the end its all my fault and I deserve to get fat. I will loose it though. I need motivation, I need someone to tell me I don't need fooood.

I've done it before

Last year I at about a piece of bread per day and got to 95 pounds. If I've done it before, I can do it again. I just need to control myself like I did before! I dont need the apple pie thats in the fridge or the chips in the basket!! >: ) This time though I don't want the bread, just water!
Wish me luck!!
Some photos to keep me on track!

A buddy

I wish I had someone to talk with and support eachother with, I definitely need it and it will definitely make me feel better and motivate me.

The Apple to my Pie

I'm not ready for Thanksgiving. Good thing i'm vegetarian and can't eat half the meal, but dessert... I wish there was meat in every dessert I like.

Just to keep me inspired!

Progress

For the past two days ive only had less than 100 calories, but I still feel so big.

I'm too scared to get on the scale to so I have no idea how much a weigh. I remember when I didnt weigh myself for a year from fear x)

but since Thanksgiving is soon, I've got to get skinnier so theres wont be much damage done when I do eat!