All but mere imagination

Yes, I've had a bad day. I'm not too upset now about it, but I probably will be tomorrow when I see a bigger bump as a do everyday.

Everything sounds so perfect in my mind. I can't seem to make it into reality when it all seems just so simple.

I imagine the healthy foods I'll eat everyday and snack on fruits and yogurt instead of chocolates and peanut butter.
I imagine how fun it'll be and how good I would feel after a day of all healthyness.
I imagine how I used to feel when I was skinny and no bump when I looked down.
I imagine eating only a bit of the sugary snacks and soon stopping myself from binging.
I imagine that when I do binge, i'll have someone to go to to talk about it.
I imagine telling them how I'm struggling everyday with food always on my mind.
I imagine asking for help.
I imagine getting help.

Whenever I'm away from this blog, I feel as if I'm normal. What I do and think everyday is normal.
I was just looking away from the truth. This isn't normal.

Will we ever be normal again?


By the way, have any of you ever asked for help, but didn't get the response you were hoping for?

These thought; Is it just me?

When I did the Cabbage Soup Diet

Sometimes I'll read online about eating disorders since i've never really been diagnosed. And as I read about it, it makes me want to diet even more. It gives me a sense of motivation. I thought that this was because I want an excuse. I want some excuse to why I binge and purge frequently. Why I can't control myself. So reading about ED makes me want to purge even more. Not because I WANT to have an eating disorder, but because I want a reason to why I'm like this. To why food and weight loss have taken over my life. So i'm scared that If I don't have the symptoms, I'd just be a fat girl who can't control what she's eating and doesn't deserve to be here.


I used to be in control. I don't know whats happened...