Saturday, May 17, 2014


How is it possible to be upset watching my peers hang out, having the time of there lives as I sit here alone constantly being jealous yet I like to be alone.
Wishing I was there, yet too stubborn to open up.
Even if I opened up, the fear of being judged and disliked overcasts.
Then admiring those who don't give a damn of being judged(disliking them at the same time) wishing to have such mentality, but that seems almost impossible.
So I stay nice, yet why am I still home?
Is nice not enough? Maybe it's just simply me.
So I stay alone.

Hi, it's been forever I know.
Just had some thoughts I needed to jot down.
Have a lovely week.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Been Awhile; Still fighting

It's been a while since i've logged onto blogger.
I am sorry for my lack of posting. This does not mean I have gotten better, I am still fighting to get better.

Sooooo many things have happened in the past month that has brought my my self confidence to it's lowest point ever.
Long distance can really fuck up your mind and I will never recommend it to anyone.
My weight is healthy. But ofcourse I'm still trying to get it to be lower, and wanting to be skinnier.

I am just really hating my life right now... but hopefully I can get over this wall.

Hope everyone has been doing good, and I wish the best of luck to everyone : )

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Should I be happy?

I'm sure you all understand, most of us have the lowest self esteem possible.
I've been so anxious, nervous and about my boyfriend that I've been doing long distance with because he's at a prom after party and I don't know anyone. I feel like he's been losing interest in me. My hands shake, I sometimes feel like my body is rocking back and forth from an earthquake but there is no earthquake, and i don't have an appetite. I don't even want to put anything in my mouth. My stomach is growling but i dont care. This is what I've always wanted but I feel empty, mentally and emotionally.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

"You Just Need to Exercise"

When you have an eating disorder there are those phrases people say that just make you want to curl up in a ball, or those phrases that just make you just want to yell, "UGH!"
I'm about to list a few I have encountered;

"You're not even fat!" (makes you happy but irritating when you know you are fat)
"Where did the *name of snacks* go?"
"You ate it ALL?!"
"Maybe you should stop eating so much sweets instead of restricting other foods."
(as if I didn't know)

"Just eat normally."

"Try eating healthy."
"You're still hungry?!"

"What does purge mean?"

"What's bulimia?"

"Don't eat a lot in one meal. Try to eat 5 meals!"


"I'm not eating if you're not eating."

Have you guys ever been in any of these situations or feel the same about these phrases? And is there anything that you've been told that makes you feel the same?

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

What am I doing?

Do any of you ever feel like that?
You look back and you notice you've just been repeating yourself everyday.

I've been constantly telling myself that 'I'll start dieting tomorrow!! So it's okay if I eat this today :)'
Everything has been going downhill and I haven't even noticed till I started looking at the progress I have made, which is none. Less than nothing to be exact. What am I doing and where am I going...

All this negativity is killing me inside.
I don't know what's real.
Am I pretenting that I have a problem? or am I pretending that I don't?
No one seems to notice so maybe it's my mind playing games on me.

gaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh so many unanswered questions in my mind
I'm so confused, what am I supposed to do when I have nowhere to go in life
i just want to break down
but im scared no one will care

i'm so sorry for so many negative posts lately

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Frequent binging; being misunderstood

I've been doing so horrible... I thought hanging out with my friends would stop me from binging but instead it caused me to :/ We made a bonfire and made smores and I ate so many..........
I can't stop binging, and I hate that I know I should stop, but I can't stop myself. My lack of control makes me feel so worthless and I've been crying for the past few days.

I asked my boyfriend to help me find somewhere I can get help when he comes back to where I live, which is in 2 months.
He tells me his dad can help me, since he has a masters degree in psychology. I told him why would I want his dad to help me when I should be trying to impress him. My boyfriend doesn't understand. It's so much easier being able to talk to someone I don't know and someone I don't have to make any impressions on.

It's so stressing when the only person you can tell doesn't understand... All he tells me is that I should run or exercise. I already KNOW I should but I just don't want to. So I feel as if he's telling me it's MY fault. That everything is my fault. I know it is though. I know.

I feel like i'm going to explode soon. There's just so much feelings I can hold back at once, and lately It's getting worse as I keep doing worse.

Monday, March 11, 2013

All but mere imagination

Yes, I've had a bad day. I'm not too upset now about it, but I probably will be tomorrow when I see a bigger bump as a do everyday.

Everything sounds so perfect in my mind. I can't seem to make it into reality when it all seems just so simple.

I imagine the healthy foods I'll eat everyday and snack on fruits and yogurt instead of chocolates and peanut butter.
I imagine how fun it'll be and how good I would feel after a day of all healthyness.
I imagine how I used to feel when I was skinny and no bump when I looked down.
I imagine eating only a bit of the sugary snacks and soon stopping myself from binging.
I imagine that when I do binge, i'll have someone to go to to talk about it.
I imagine telling them how I'm struggling everyday with food always on my mind.
I imagine asking for help.
I imagine getting help.

Whenever I'm away from this blog, I feel as if I'm normal. What I do and think everyday is normal.
I was just looking away from the truth. This isn't normal.

Will we ever be normal again?

By the way, have any of you ever asked for help, but didn't get the response you were hoping for?