tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3451284685718184832024-03-13T02:25:22.186-07:00Evening Wonders; Thinking Thin“I am myself. That is not enough.”
— Sylvia PlathAnlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.comBlogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-62757485580638510542014-05-17T18:23:00.001-07:002014-05-17T18:23:55.453-07:00ThoughtsHow is it possible to be upset watching my peers hang out, having the time of there lives as I sit here alone constantly being jealous yet I like to be alone.<br />
Wishing I was there, yet too stubborn to open up.<br />
Even if I opened up, the fear of being judged and disliked overcasts.<br />
Then admiring those who don't give a damn of being judged(disliking them at the same time) wishing to have such mentality, but that seems almost impossible.<br />
So I stay nice, yet why am I still home?<br />
Is nice not enough? Maybe it's just simply me.<br />
So I stay alone.<br />
Home.<br />
Unsure.<br />
Confused.<br />
Repeat.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Hi, it's been forever I know.<br />
Just had some thoughts I needed to jot down.<br />
Have a lovely week.<br />
:)<br />
<br />
<br />Anlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-64426304522147165012013-06-17T20:58:00.003-07:002013-06-17T20:58:56.733-07:00Been Awhile; Still fightingIt's been a while since i've logged onto blogger.<br />
I am sorry for my lack of posting. This does not mean I have gotten better, I am still fighting to get better.<br />
<br />
Sooooo many things have happened in the past month that has brought my my self confidence to it's lowest point ever.<br />
Long distance can really fuck up your mind and I will never recommend it to anyone.<br />
My weight is healthy. But ofcourse I'm still trying to get it to be lower, and wanting to be skinnier.<br />
<br />
I am just really hating my life right now... but hopefully I can get over this wall.<br />
<br />
Hope everyone has been doing good, and I wish the best of luck to everyone : )<br />
<br />Anlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-18752765507927913842013-04-14T03:49:00.001-07:002013-04-14T03:49:46.087-07:00Should I be happy?I'm sure you all understand, most of us have the lowest self esteem possible.<br />
I've been so anxious, nervous and about my boyfriend that I've been doing long distance with because he's at a prom after party and I don't know anyone. I feel like he's been losing interest in me. My hands shake, I sometimes feel like my body is rocking back and forth from an earthquake but there is no earthquake, and i don't have an appetite. I don't even want to put anything in my mouth. My stomach is growling but i dont care. This is what I've always wanted but I feel empty, mentally and emotionally.Anlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-77408169577130357522013-03-26T04:39:00.002-07:002013-08-07T18:55:06.963-07:00"You Just Need to Exercise"When you have an eating disorder there are those phrases people say that just make you want to curl up in a ball, or those phrases that just make you just want to yell, "UGH!"<br />
I'm about to list a few I have encountered;<br />
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<br /></div>
<div>
"You're not even fat!" (makes you happy but irritating when you know you are fat)</div>
<div>
"Where did the *name of snacks* go?"</div>
<div>
"You ate it ALL?!"</div>
<div>
"Maybe you should stop eating so much sweets instead of restricting other foods."</div>
<div>
(as if I didn't know)<br />
<br />
"Just eat normally."<br />
<br />
"Try eating healthy."</div>
<div>
"You're still hungry?!"<br />
<br />
"What does purge mean?"<br />
<br />
"What's bulimia?"<br />
<br />
"Don't eat a lot in one meal. Try to eat 5 meals!"<br />
<br />
"JUST EAAAAAT!"</div>
<div>
<br />
"I'm not eating if you're not eating."</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Have you guys ever been in any of these situations or feel the same about these phrases? And is there anything that you've been told that makes you feel the same?</div>
Anlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-22385560780001957202013-03-19T07:09:00.001-07:002013-03-19T07:09:59.209-07:00What am I doing?Do any of you ever feel like that?<br />You look back and you notice you've just been repeating yourself everyday.<br />
<br />
I've been constantly telling myself that 'I'll start dieting tomorrow!! So it's okay if I eat this today :)'<br />
Everything has been going downhill and I haven't even noticed till I started looking at the progress I have made, which is none. Less than nothing to be exact. What am I doing and where am I going...<br />
<br />
All this negativity is killing me inside.<br />
I don't know what's real.<br />
Am I pretenting that I have a problem? or am I pretending that I don't?<br />
No one seems to notice so maybe it's my mind playing games on me.<br />
<br />
gaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh so many unanswered questions in my mind<br />
I'm so confused, what am I supposed to do when I have nowhere to go in life<br />
i just want to break down<br />
but im scared no one will care<br />
<br />
i'm so sorry for so many negative posts latelyAnlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-85858065009569990722013-03-16T23:02:00.000-07:002013-03-16T23:02:42.435-07:00Frequent binging; being misunderstoodI've been doing so horrible... I thought hanging out with my friends would stop me from binging but instead it caused me to :/ We made a bonfire and made smores and I ate so many..........<br />
I can't stop binging, and I hate that I know I should stop, but I can't stop myself. My lack of control makes me feel so worthless and I've been crying for the past few days.<br /><br />
I asked my boyfriend to help me find somewhere I can get help when he comes back to where I live, which is in 2 months.<br />
He tells me his dad can help me, since he has a masters degree in psychology. I told him why would I want his dad to help me when I should be trying to impress him. My boyfriend doesn't understand. It's so much easier being able to talk to someone I don't know and someone I don't have to make any impressions on.<br />
<br />
It's so stressing when the only person you can tell doesn't understand... All he tells me is that I should run or exercise. I already KNOW I should but I just don't want to. So I feel as if he's telling me it's MY fault. That everything is my fault. I know it is though. I know.<br />
<br />
I feel like i'm going to explode soon. There's just so much feelings I can hold back at once, and lately It's getting worse as I keep doing worse.Anlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-43324763241703327042013-03-11T06:23:00.001-07:002013-03-11T06:23:50.103-07:00All but mere imaginationYes, I've had a bad day. I'm not too upset now about it, but I probably will be tomorrow when I see a bigger bump as a do everyday.<br />
<br />
Everything sounds so perfect in my mind. I can't seem to make it into reality when it all seems just so simple.<br />
<br />
I imagine the healthy foods I'll eat everyday and snack on fruits and yogurt instead of chocolates and peanut butter.<br />
I imagine how fun it'll be and how good I would feel after a day of all healthyness.<br />
I imagine how I used to feel when I was skinny and no bump when I looked down.<br />I imagine eating only a bit of the sugary snacks and soon stopping myself from binging.<br />
I imagine that when I do binge, i'll have someone to go to to talk about it.<br />I imagine telling them how I'm struggling everyday with food always on my mind.<br />
I imagine asking for help.<br />
I imagine getting help.<br />
<br />
Whenever I'm away from this blog, I feel as if I'm normal. What I do and think everyday is normal.<br />
I was just looking away from the truth. This isn't normal.<br />
<br />
Will we ever be normal again?<br />
<br />
<br />
By the way, have any of you ever asked for help, but didn't get the response you were hoping for?Anlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-80495458271171103972013-02-27T04:03:00.000-08:002013-02-27T04:03:21.515-08:00Also, SorryI'm sorry of my lack of posting and commenting.<br />It's just that I've been doing so good lately and been feeling so good, and coming here reminds me about my problem with foods and that i'm hiding my dieting by saying im being 'healthy'...<br />
<br />
Please think of it as:<br />
<br />
- The less I post, the more good i'm doing.<br />
- If I post, I'm feeling a bit down and stressed and craving.<br />
<br />
Yes, I'm craving sweets right now. I'm so tempted to grab that cookie or that butterfinger.<br />But I'm just going to go lay down and play a game.<br />
<br />
Thank you guys :)Anlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-80833455216505446022013-02-27T03:53:00.000-08:002013-02-27T03:53:43.366-08:00Little by LittleI'm still sticking to my '1000 calories per day'.<br />I have had a few cheat days, but that was a week ago before I left my boyfriends house... I hate long distance.<br /><br />So it's been a week since I've been back and i'm back on track.<br />
I'm slowly loosing weight and I get excited to weigh myself! :)<br /><br />
I'm also doing a little bet with my boyfriends. If I don't eat sweets for a week, I get something special and if I don't, I have to run around this area for a whole week everyday. (I really hate exercise...)<br />The good news iiiis that tomorrow will be 1 week!<br />
It was a bit stressful cause i'll see that butter finger in the basket, or the reecees cup... uuh BUT I've thought about 'Do I really want to run everyday...' ahahahah<br /><br />So stay tuned :)<br />Hope you all are doing wellAnlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-25120775636353350822013-02-07T09:53:00.001-08:002013-02-07T09:53:38.744-08:00What I've been doing to prevent myself from overeating/bingingAs you guys may know from my previous post, I have not binged in a month. (Read the bolded areas if you don't feel like reading the detailed area post ^_^)<br />
I have had a day or two where I ended up eating 2 small bags of chips and each are about 200 cals.<br />
<br />
BUT! Here's the changes I've made<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>(First thing I've changed)<b>I have learned to forgive myself.</b></li>
</ul>
<br />
Because I have noticed, when I beat myself up on these bad days, in the past, I just hated myself and get sad then I would end up eating and it was just this really bad cycle I put myself into.<br />
<br />
Instead of,"<i>I'm such a failure. I can't even stop myself from not eating. I deserve to be fat. No one will ever like me."</i> Which, yes, I did think that before.<br />
Now I would think to myself,<i>" I did bad today. That's not good, but I have a whole life time to do better. I have a whole life time to loose the fat."</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I've also seen before too that it's much better to think positive when "dieting".<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Second change I've made: <b>I've been saying to myself 'I'm being Healthy' instead of 'I'm dieting'</b></li>
</ul>
<br />
It just sounds better. Since "dieting" seemed to stress me out.<br />
<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>Third change: <b>I wake up at 9 or earlier and eat breakfast</b></li>
</ul>
<div>
<b>I don't eat right away, I'll wait till my stomach starts grumbling.</b></div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<ul>
<li>Forth change: <b>Plan out your meals ahead of time(The day before for me)</b></li>
</ul>
<div>
Many of you know this app called <b>MyFitnessPal</b>. I've been doing this for a week and a day now. I try to eat at most 1000 calories per day. I would use this app to plan before hand so I don't end up over eating.</div>
<div>
For me this really REALLY helps. <b>And I do snack. </b></div>
<div>
By letting myself snack, I don't feel restricted and stressed.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I get really excited to get to plan what I'll eat the next day.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And here's an example of what I would eat in a day;</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Breakfast: </b>Whole wheat bread (75 cals) with half a banana (45 cals) with Hot Tea Total: 120 calories</div>
<div>
<b>Lunch: </b>1/2 Oatmeal made with water (150 cals) with half a banana(45 cals) & a sprinkles of ground cinnamon Total: 205</div>
<div>
<b>Snack: </b>Anything you prefer thats about 150 cals or less. I would eat clementines (small: 40 cals each). Or Frozen yogurt (100 cals) or any non-fat chobani yogurt(100 - 140 cals). Even some baked lays chips in the small packs.(120 cals)</div>
<div>
<b>Dinner: </b>I would use the rest of the calories I have left or less. for dinner (in this case we have about 400 calories left for dinner) Some salad with vinaigrette dressing, you can even have a sandwhich with ham, turkey, spinach. Cause 2 whole wheat breads is about 150 so you have 250 calories left to fill in the bread.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And I make sure to drink plenty, plenty of water throughout the day!</div>
<div>
The first few days, I did feel I was getting fatter. But I havent given up because <b>change takes time.</b></div>
<div>
<b>And today I had a normal bowel movement,</b> which I have not had in awhile and I was really happy. I have had days where I did go above 1000 cals, but it's okay. I'm just really glad I'm taking a step to be healthier.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This seems to work for me. And i'm going to stick with it for awhile. I'll keep you all updated on my changes :)</div>
Anlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-9039417752135091432013-01-29T21:34:00.001-08:002013-01-29T21:34:30.756-08:00FustrationThis past week and half I've done so hard to not binge or over eat. I have not binged for a month. A month! But Im still the same. I look down and why is there still a lump?<br />
One day we went to the zoo and I ate a handful of grapes and an apple. I get home to find out I was more bloated than I was that morning.<br />
The frustration is killing me. I try so hard, but nothing changes. I cant purge, I cant cut.(Im still staying with my boyfriends family) I bursted out into tears in the shower and all I could do was punch myself. Im so mad at myself. Im going to have to do better...<br />
<br />
Lets see how long I can fast without his family saying anything.<br />
<br />
Sorry for the lack of posting,and commenting but I hope everyone is doing well.<br />
Lots of love to you all :)Anlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-82836943981723251562013-01-17T22:50:00.001-08:002013-01-17T22:50:02.767-08:00JealousyEvery girl around me is just so beautiful. I can't look at a girl without thinking what my boyfriend thinks of her or how bad I feel that he's going out with me when he could be with beautiful girls all around him. Even with celebrities. I just want to be able to talk with him about these beautiful girls. Just be like," Oh she's pretty!" and not get jealous. I try so hard. Then I break-down internally and get mad at myself for not being able to accept that other girls will be prettier and skinnier.<br />
<br />
On a good note, my flight back home got canceled. The plane I was supposed to ride was the boeing 787! What are the odds haha So I get to stay with my boyfriend for another month.Anlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-53121253702577065962013-01-11T22:11:00.001-08:002013-01-11T22:11:08.508-08:00No titleWhy am I alive? I'm just a total mess...Anlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-76094767477279993812013-01-07T10:17:00.001-08:002013-01-07T10:17:18.001-08:00WallI've ben reading many of your posts and it seems not many are doing so good so far this year.<br />
I hope you all keep your heads up and move forward :) Looking back is only going to keep you in the same spot until you look forward.<br />
and sorry I haven't been commenting much, it's sorta hard to hide this from my bf.<br />
<br />
I can only say I'm doing okay. I haven't binged but I did break down one day because I really wanted to purge, but I'm still with my boyfriend and his family. Which isn't all that bad. Im still not too comfortable with his family yet which stops me from munching on their snacks ^_^<br />
I'm just not eating healthy enough and not eating too less. I'm stuck behind this wall. I have realized it too. I've decided to keep the goals till I get back to my house. I don't want to ruin the time I have with him.<br />
<br />
Hope all is well :)Anlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-77306580022481027732013-01-02T10:16:00.001-08:002013-01-02T10:16:32.107-08:00New Year, New Goals? Yupp.I'm usually not the one to make goals for New Years thinking i shouldve been making these goals before and not just because it's a new year but I've found that these sort of goals help me to not want to break it since its a new year and I just want to forget my failures from the past,<br />
<br />
My goals:<br />
Not to ever , EVER binge<br />
To eat salads if I go out to eat<br />
Loose 10 pounds<br />
Not to eat any of the candy when i get back home from this vacation<br />
Eat more fruits if i ever feel i want candy<br />
To not gain weight<br />
<br />
<br />
What are your guys main goals for the year?Anlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-89773651447321011492012-12-28T03:25:00.003-08:002012-12-28T03:25:32.812-08:00UncertaintyHello lovelies. It's been awhile since I've written and i'll get to reading your posts too :)<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
As you know, I'm visiting my boyfriend in America as of now and I should be happy. I've been doing so well with keeping food out of my mind and just going with the flow.<br />
But why am I feeling a bit... Uncertain?<br />
<br />First of all, I'm staying at my boyfriends house, and will be for a few more weeks. Second, I have not binged. At all! Not even on Christmas day/Boy friend's birthday. I truly am glad that i'm vegetarian now. It really stops me from eating tons of meals I could have eaten while visiting America; fast food restaurants. Then finally, I have lost weight since I left. I can definitely tell.<br />
<br />
Sounds good, right?<br />
It's just, I know I'm not eating a lot(as much as I used to), but I feel so big all the time. As if I'll never get skinny... It makes me think, how much to I have to limit myself to loose weight? And it makes me a bit sad. Well, a lot. To do so good and not get results. Unless i'm over thinking but I highly doubt it since I look at my stomach every hour haha<br />
<br />
Well I'm sure we're all relieved that the Christmas time is over and no more feasts to be worrying about.<br />
I absolutely love Christmas time though. I can't deny it. At my house, we don't really have a party so I don't have to worry about the food. So I was a bit scared when I came to america to celebrate it with my boyfriend's family but my being vegetarian really helped me out! To those who think they overate, I really hope you don't put yourself down for it. Christmas is such a beautiful holiday and I just wish everyone enjoyed themselves :)<br /><br />Lots of love to all of you.Anlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-50988330770778940432012-12-21T00:31:00.001-08:002012-12-21T00:31:21.381-08:00Do I not eat alot?Events like me really get me thinking. Am I not fat? Do I not eat enough?<div>
I went out to eat at panera bread for the first time with my boyfriend and his mother. She's really nice and i'm practically jealous of him for having such a caring mother. She was talking to me about how when they had first move to where i'm staying at currently, both my boyfriend and his sister seemed really sad cause no one seemed to really notice them at school. So she went on about how she went to the counselors and everything for them. I wanted to crawl up in her arms and just release myself to her haha But I don't think she cares that much.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Jeez, I really get off topic alot. There's just so much I want to tell you guys and you all respond so greatly and I just love it; To let my heart out till theres nothing left to spill.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Well at Panera bread they have the calories written and many were high in calories or either had meat in it which is a no-go for me. And a soup and salad what just a bit bland for my first time to panera bread. So I just went with the low-cal mango smoothie and my boyfriend and his mom were furious to get me to eat more! They were like 'That's it?! get some salad with it or soup!' and I responded 'what? this is enough. It'll make me full!' I was serious too. The thing is though, his mother is just really petit and thin. And with a walking motivation around me all the time, it's hard to grab that cookie on the side. Or maybe i'm just that fat that they thought I was being generous and ordering the cheapest thing but they thought I wanted more cause i'm fat... man... that just came in to my mind while typing this.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And hello to my new follower Karina : ) Glad to know there's others out there who find what I have to say interesting/entertaining.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Anlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-36144286093919390282012-12-20T04:44:00.000-08:002012-12-20T07:09:52.339-08:00Eating but I feel greatAs you guys have read, if you do read, I'm visiting my boyfriend that I've been doing long distance with : )<br />
It's really great, the happiness you get when your back in the arms of your lover after all the months you spent without them. It's indescribable. Almost addicting, as much as I hate long distance : )<br />
<br />
Back to the title though. I was supposed to be doing a fast with my beautiful friend <i>That Girl</i>. I ended up eating mini pretzels, a banana, and bread the cabin attendants handed out so abruptly. Not trying to insult anyone but the american attendants are really rude. I did turn down the 2 meals they served though. *Pats back* :)<br />
<br />
There was this other girl who sat in the row in front of me and she also declined all the meals! I know I'm being judgmental but she was very thin and I could just sort of feel it, ya know? But I got this rush of emotions, as if reality slapped me in the face. I'm not alone. It was a sort of a weird happiness plus sadness. I guess a bit of relief too.<br />
<br />
I've seen girls with anorexia. Skinny to the bones. I always stare. Not in a rude way, but just curiosity. How does she do it? What is her life like at home? How does she feel with all the eyes focused on her everytime she goes out? Good? Bad?<br />
Then I wonder if I'll ever be like that. I was a bit jealous when my mom worried about her haha How cruel of me when I know what that girls been through.<br />
<br />
Ahhh, getting of topic. Okay to get to the point. I've been eating here and then BUT surprisingly, I'm controlling myself. My boyfriend made a batch of waffle. I only ate about a half of a big one : ) and I wasn't wanting for more. I think it's thanks to being at someone elses house. I can't look gross infront of his parent or HIM.<br />
I'm very excited about the rest of the month that im going to be here. Being able to control. It's great. It really is. Ive missed it.<br />
<br />
Goodluck to the rest of you during the holidays^_^<br />
<br />
<br />Anlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-90231204001369534642012-12-17T06:28:00.000-08:002012-12-17T06:35:54.118-08:00To you<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I understand that you care. I just sometimes feel that the people who know me best, are people I’ve never met.<br />
— Iain S. Thomas, <em>I Wrote This For You</em></blockquote>
The people I've never met; all you lovelies that read my blog :)<br />
The one's around me seem to want to fix me. "Want me to be healthy with you?" "Maybe you should try eating smaller meals throughout the day." The thing is, I don't want to be fixed. I just want you to understand sometimes, not give me advise.<br />
<br />
<br />
By the way, I'm going to my boyfriends house tomorrow and it's around a total of 20 hours of traveling! I won't be bringing any food to prevent me from eating. I'm definitely not eating the airplane food since i'm vegetarian and I wasn't able to change my meal, but whatever, it's for the better :)<br />I'm going to be at his house for a month so sorry if I don't update much or reply to all your entries. I'll probably be loosing weight since im at someone else's houses, and that someone is my boyfriend so I can't be binging in front of him or his family, which is good for me! Since I want to look good in front of him family I'll be eating little amounts<3<br />
Goodluck to you all during the holidays and don't get caught over the fact that it's Christmas and stuff yourself with cookies and cakes. You all know you'll regret it! So lets all do our best to not stuff ourself during the holidays.<br />
Merry Early Christmas ^_^ just incase I don't make it in time!<br />
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<br />Anlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-55613949252683499632012-12-16T07:37:00.001-08:002012-12-16T07:37:30.970-08:00Out with the good, in with the badI feel so gross. I've gained so much weight... I want to fast so badly but why can't I. Why can't I do it?!<div>
I look so bad in every piece of clothing I used to look good in. Everything feels to be slipping away. Don't feel as if I am myself anymore.</div>
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Damnit.</div>
Anlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-70904391862187734602012-12-14T21:46:00.002-08:002012-12-14T21:46:39.298-08:00It's no fairThose girls who eat all they want, don't work out, and look so stunning.<br />
I weigh 105 right now and girls that weigh the same as me look so much better. All of my fat goes to my thighs, my stomach feels like it's forever bloated, these fat by my armpit, and to top it off, I have broad shoulders which makes me looks manly especially when wearing tank tops. I have small hips too so I feel my thighs will always touch, cause even when I was 95, I remember they still slightly touched. What the hell.<br />
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I can't wait to get back to 95 pounds.<br />
I'm jealous of those girls who were just blessed with beautiful body figures...<br />
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On a positive note, i've been doing good with stopping from binging! Like I said, I'm taking things little by little so I don't suddenly burst from all the restricting.<br />
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Hope youre all doing good and have a wonderful day :)Anlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-36584196293387327792012-12-13T06:12:00.002-08:002012-12-13T06:12:24.519-08:00Little by littleI really love receiving comments from you all<3 It feels so good to be able to share these emotions and you guys understand and accept me. Thanks :)<br />
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I'm going to keep this post positive. I haven't had a bad binge in a few days, which is a big step for me now since lately i've been out of control. BUT now i've been taking little steps. My 'binges' are getting smaller everyday. I probably wont be able to get as skinny as I used to be a few months ago by the time I get to my boyfriends house but I'll be staying there for a month and that should REALLY stop me from binging cause I can't look like a pig in front of his family ^_^ I'm trying not to care so much about what he'll think of my weight gain, because i've strictly told him how serious I was that I have gained weight from the last time he's seen me(4 months ago). So i've decided to take little steps to loosing weight and soon enough I hope I'll be able to fast again without having it end with a binge :)<br /><br />
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Think thin<3</div>
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Skinny girls look good in anything;</div>
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<br />Anlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-32849242767565696322012-12-12T17:43:00.001-08:002012-12-12T17:43:17.954-08:00These thought; Is it just me?<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">When I did the Cabbage Soup Diet</td></tr>
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Sometimes I'll read online about eating disorders since i've never really been diagnosed. And as I read about it, it makes me want to diet even more. It gives me a sense of motivation. I thought that this was because I want an excuse. I want some excuse to why I binge and purge frequently. Why I can't control myself. So reading about ED makes me want to purge even more. Not because I WANT to have an eating disorder, but because I want a reason to why I'm like this. To why food and weight loss have taken over my life. So i'm scared that If I don't have the symptoms, I'd just be a fat girl who can't control what she's eating and doesn't deserve to be here.<br />
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I used to be in control. I don't know whats happened...Anlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-65560618747117027872012-12-11T20:17:00.003-08:002012-12-11T20:17:51.540-08:00What helps me - TipLately I've been really get off track and couldn't control what I was eating and yesterday I looked in the mirror while I was changing and reality slapped me in the face. I've got to stop what i'm doing or i'll continue to gain weight.<br />
SO, what I find that helps me is to plan out your meal beforehand.<br />
I use this app called <i><b>'Fitness Pal'</b></i> which is an app that helps you to keep track of your calorie intake and also how much you have burned. I'm sure any calorie counting app will work fine or you can write it down.<br />
I've used this app in the past and it really helped me to prevent from binging and keep my intake to at most 600 per day. I think that having an idea of how much you will intake beforehand gives you some realization that you wouldn't want to add more calories to that number by binging!<br />
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Snacking:<br />
Recently I've been getting into the sugar free jello mix. It's only 80 calories per packet! Which makes a days worth of snacking for me : ) I find it helpful to separate it into atleast 5 containers depending on the size to prevent from eating it all at once.<br />
The same brand also has a pudding mix if you like that better and I think it was about 100 calories per packet, but once again, it makes about a days worth of snacking for me.<br />
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I find those better to snack on rather than grabbing a piece of cookie which usually becomes a dozen of cookies for me -.-<br />
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So thats what i'll be snacking on for the next week since i'm really bad at restricting from sweets. In Japan, there are so many 0 calorie jelly out there so if I run out of the power mix, I could always run to the convenient store and there will always be 0 calorie jelly.<br />
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Wish me luck, and I hope you all a good day<3Anlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-345128468571818483.post-56059504328250466472012-12-08T14:56:00.001-08:002012-12-08T14:56:59.387-08:00What do you guys do?How do you guys do it?<br />
I've JUST tried talking to my boyfriend about my eating problems, and told him I think I might be bulimic.<br />
Honestly I want help because I can't STOP eating no matter how bad I know it is. I don't care about not eating, but the constant wanting for food. As much as I hate it, I want it.<br />
So I told my boyfriend about it, <i><span style="font-size: x-small;">for the record, I get depressed sometimes and cut myself, and he knows I do but he always changes the subject and tries avoiding it so I rarely ever talk to him about my problems now</span>,</i> and I wasn't surprised with the response I got.<br />
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"I don't understand. You shouldn't have to(binge) if you eat regular meals and don't make yourself throw up."<br />
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Good thing I didn't have much expectations on the response.<br />
Have you guys ever told anyone about your problems?<br />
Do they understand?<br />
Is it just my boyfriend, or do many people not understand bulimia? Yet they do anorexia?<br />Do I have to become skin and bones thin to become noticed and receive help?<br />
Ugh but if I was skinny I wouldn't need the help. I only want help to stop this binging.<br />
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What would I do without this blog. I'm so glad there are people out there who understand, I just wish I knew you guys personally :( It would be so much fun to have an actual physical friend to diet with!Anlipanmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746891768174408722noreply@blogger.com10