Little by little

I really love receiving comments from you all<3 It feels so good to be able to share these emotions and you guys understand and accept me. Thanks :)

I'm going to keep this post positive. I haven't had a bad binge in a few days, which is a big step for me now since lately i've been out of control. BUT now i've been taking little steps. My 'binges' are getting smaller everyday. I probably wont be able to get as skinny as I used to be a few months ago by the time I get to my boyfriends house but I'll be staying there for a month and that should REALLY stop me from binging cause I can't look like a pig in front of his family ^_^ I'm trying not to care so much about what he'll think of my weight gain, because i've strictly told him how serious I was that I have gained weight from the last time he's seen me(4 months ago). So i've decided to take little steps to loosing weight and soon enough I hope I'll be able to fast again without having it end with a binge :)

Think thin<3

Skinny girls look good in anything;

These thought; Is it just me?

When I did the Cabbage Soup Diet

Sometimes I'll read online about eating disorders since i've never really been diagnosed. And as I read about it, it makes me want to diet even more. It gives me a sense of motivation. I thought that this was because I want an excuse. I want some excuse to why I binge and purge frequently. Why I can't control myself. So reading about ED makes me want to purge even more. Not because I WANT to have an eating disorder, but because I want a reason to why I'm like this. To why food and weight loss have taken over my life. So i'm scared that If I don't have the symptoms, I'd just be a fat girl who can't control what she's eating and doesn't deserve to be here.


I used to be in control. I don't know whats happened...

What helps me - Tip

Lately I've been really get off track and couldn't control what I was eating and yesterday I looked in the mirror while I was changing and reality slapped me in the face. I've got to stop what i'm doing or i'll continue to gain weight.
SO, what I find that helps me is to plan out your meal beforehand.
I use this app called 'Fitness Pal' which is an app that helps you to keep track of your calorie intake and also how much you have burned. I'm sure any calorie counting app will work fine or you can write it down.
I've used this app in the past and it really helped me to prevent from binging and keep my intake to at most 600 per day. I think that having an idea of how much you will intake beforehand gives you some realization that you wouldn't want to add more calories to that number by binging!

Snacking:
Recently I've been getting into the sugar free jello mix. It's only 80 calories per packet! Which makes a days worth of snacking for me : ) I find it helpful to separate it into atleast 5 containers depending on the size to prevent from eating it all at once.
The same brand also has a pudding mix if you like that better and I think it was about 100 calories per packet, but once again, it makes about a days worth of snacking for me.

I find those better to snack on rather than grabbing a piece of cookie which usually becomes a dozen of cookies for me -.-

So thats what i'll be snacking on for the next week since i'm really bad at restricting from sweets.  In Japan, there are so many 0 calorie jelly out there so if I run out of the power mix, I could always run to the convenient store and there will always be 0 calorie jelly.

Wish me luck, and I hope you all a good day<3

This is brilliaaaant!

I'm always bored and it triggers me to binge, so i've tried a few things before to try to keep me occupied.

For example:

• Crochet
• Watching Law & Order
• Staying in bed
• Go for walks

None of them really lasted... ugh

BUT, wait just once second.

Today I was looking through thinspo pictures and imagining myself with there bodies and my mind just clicked. *bink

Why don't I edit my face into their bodies! bahahah so I've been doing that for the past 4 hours! And I thought I'd show you guys one of my favorites hehe I cannot stop giggling. I think I did a pretty good job. ;)

Day 1 of No solids

Honestly I was a bit scared because I had a smoothie, soup, yogurt(nonfat), more soup, and a cup of cafe mocha. Its soooo much when I list it down but I feel really good right now. Definitely don't have the bloated feeling I get from when I binge. My mom bought chips, cookies, and nutter butters. As usual it gets tempting to eat but instead I grabbed the nonfat yogurt. I feel so good that I stopped myself from a binge! I just love this yogurt because the whole 450grams of it is only 180 calories!! So I could eat 3 for every meal and still have eaten under 600cals x) but too much yogurt isnt good but still i'm just overwhelmed by the calories for that much amount<3

So to sum up my day, I'd say it went pretty good and i'm feeling pretty good : )
I also just watched some victoria secret videos on youtube and i can feel the motivation in my blood hehe

I wish

I wish I could live alone while Im trying to loose weight... My family isn't really the healthy type so there's always snack foods. But I the same time I hate blaming my family when its my fault I can't eat right.
I hate how its so hard to choose vegetables over snacks. It makes me so frustrated and I try to purge but I probably can't even get 1/8 out without feeling sick.
It kills me. The thought that it's all my fault. I can't blame the food or the people who produce it. I can't blame my family who are mentally healthy when it comes to eating. I can't blame my body for not having a proper digestive system. Because in the end, it's all because of me. Because I can't put down the bag of chips, because I can't control myself, because I don't exercise, because i'm fucking lazy and can't stay away from food. I'm so tired of myself.
uuuuuuugh its so frustrating, my body itches from within.

I guess I'll hit up the gym and stay in the sauna forever... hahhah jk about the sauna part :)
Hope everyone else isn't feeling as poopoo as i am.